


Not Like This

by angelsfalling16



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, SnowBaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 15:38:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20260468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsfalling16/pseuds/angelsfalling16
Summary: Simon and Baz are playing a game, and their friends are forcing them to kiss, but Baz doesn't want to kiss Simon. Not like this anyway.





	Not Like This

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by an episode of New Girl
> 
> Thank you so much for beta-reading @wo2ash!!
> 
> I changed the rating to teen because there is a very brief mention of alcohol, but other than that, it's pretty G rated.

**Baz**

“You have to kiss before you can come out,” Niall calls as he closes the door and locks me and Simon together in Simon’s room.

I try the door, just in case, but it doesn’t budge, and I kick it in frustration.

“This is stupid,” I say, more to myself than anyone else. Then, louder, I ask, “Why are you doing this to us?”

Our friends ignore me and start shouting “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” outside the door, and I finally turn to face Simon, who I had been completely ignoring up until this point.

He’s not currently wearing a shirt, which is why I’ve been doing my best not to look at him. At some point during this game, he had to take it off, and now, all of his moles are on display for the world to see.

I lick my lips and force myself to look up at his face.

“I can’t believe that they locked us in here,” I say.

Simon simply shrugs. “It’s part of the game, and it’s not like they’ll know whether we actually kissed.”

I raise my eyebrows at him, but he’s right. Since they locked us in here, they won’t be able to actually see if we kiss.

“You’re right. Alright, we kissed!” I shout, knocking on the door to get our friends’ attention.

“We want proof!” Of course, Dev is the one who says this. He knows me all too well, knows that I don’t just go around kissing and telling. And that I wouldn’t just kiss someone for a game. So, why is he forcing us to do this?

“Yeah, send us a picture!” Niall agrees.

“Why?” I groan, running a hand through my hair.

“Come on, Baz,” Simon says, sighing. “Kiss me.”

“You want to kiss me?”

“We don’t really have a choice.”

“You know what? Just kiss me on the cheek, and we’ll send them a picture.”

“Fine.”

I pull out my phone and turn my face so that my cheek is to Simon. I turn on the camera, and I watch on my phone as Simon leans forward to press his lips just to the side of my mouth. I’m very aware of the fact that all I’d have to do is turn my face minutely, and our lips would meet.

Simon stays there just long enough for me to snap a picture before he pulls back and turns away from me, as though he can’t get away from me soon enough.

I try not to think too hard about it because I already knew that he wasn’t into me. We’re just friends.

“There,” I shout through the door. “I’m sending you the picture.”

I wait, and I can hear Dev and Niall’s phones go off as they receive the text.

“That’s not a kiss!” Niall calls through the door.

“Yeah, it has to be real. Soft, tender, like you really mean it.”

I glance at Simon, who still has his back turned to me, and I decide that I hate my two best friends. Maybe if I had just told them how I felt about Simon a long time ago, they wouldn’t be trying to force me to do this.

But I couldn’t tell them because it would mess things up between the four of us, and I can’t risk that. I like living with all of them in this apartment, even though I went and did something stupid by falling in love with Simon almost as soon as he moved in with us.

I didn’t expect to even get along with Simon, so when I realized that I had gone and fallen for him, it took me by surprise.

“We don’t want to do this,” I call, hoping that they’ll just let us out, but I know it’s useless when I hear Dev turn to his date that he brought home tonight and start telling her some story that’s obviously meant to get her to like him. Can’t he see that now is not the time for flirting?

I wonder what happened to the guy he was with last week. I thought that they were really getting along, but Dev wouldn’t tell me what happened between them.

Apparently, I’m not the only one keeping secrets right now.

Niall brought home a guy who he met last week, and I curse them for being able to be happy when no matter who I try to go out with, I can’t stop thinking about one person.

The boy with blue eyes and bronze curls, who is currently in a relationship with someone else and who is oblivious to how much this situation is tearing at me. I can’t kiss him, not like this.

If we kiss, I want it to mean something and not just be something that we feel obligated to do. I want it to be full of passion and emotion, love.

But that will never happen, which is why I need our friends to just let us out.

**Simon**

Baz has gone back to banging on the door and asking to be let out, and I don’t understand why he’s getting so angry. It’s just a kiss.

I’ve never kissed a guy before, but if that’s the price of getting out of this room, I’ll do it.

There is this weird feeling of nervous excitement in my stomach at just the thought of kissing him. I’ve never felt this way before, and I think it has something to do with how I just kissed him on the cheek a couple of minutes ago.

It wasn’t an actual kiss, but it stirred something up inside of me, being that close to his lips. At first I thought it was disgust at the thought of kissing a guy, and I hated myself a little for feeling that way. But then when I saw the picture of us, I realized that it was something else, and I had to turn away before Baz could see the blush spreading across my cheeks.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be begging to be let out like he is, but for some reason, I want to know what it would be like to kiss him.

I shouldn’t want to kiss him. I have a girlfriend. I’m curious, though, in a way I never have been. It definitely doesn’t mean that I like guys because it’s just one guy.

One guy I can’t stop thinking about.

I chalked it up to just really liking being his friend, but being trapped in here and told to kiss him makes me think that maybe it’s something else.

Baz is trying to force the door open now and I just watch for a minute before I decide that this is enough. This is getting ridiculous.

All of my roommates have apparently lost it. Dev and Niall are out there trying to impress their respective dates.

I just wanted a night in, and I regret calling Baz to tell him that I thought someone was attempting to break into our apartment. I didn’t think that he would bring everyone else with him or that it would end with us being forced to kiss.

“What is the big deal?” I ask him. “Let’s just kiss so that we can leave.”

I manage to sound calm as I say it, but my heart is threatening to beat out of my chest for some reason.

“You know what?” He says, turning to look at me. “Fine. Let’s do this.”

I swallow the lump in my throat as I move across the room, meeting Baz by the door. I’m not sure why, but I feel nervous all of a sudden. I thought that it would be nothing. I thought it would be just like kissing my girlfriend, and we could move on, but for some reason, this feels like a big deal.

“This is not a big deal,” Baz says, and for a moment, I’m afraid that he read my mind. But it seems like he was talking to himself more than he was to me.

“No, it’s not,” I agree, taking a step closer.

“Let’s do this,” Baz says, his hands coming up to awkwardly rest on my waist.

I start to lean in, but just before our lips meet, Baz stops and pulls away, saying, “This is stupid.”

“Just shut up and kiss me. And then you’ll never have to think about it again.”

Baz nods, but he wears a weird expression as he moves his hands up to cup the sides of my face. I don’t know what the look means, but I decide not to think about it as he starts to move his lips closer to mine. I let my eyes fall shut as Baz leans in closer, but then suddenly, he is stepping back again.

“No, no. We’re not doing this.”

I sigh as Baz moves to bang on the door again, yelling for our friends to let us out again.

I don’t understand what the big deal is. Is it really such a terrifying idea to kiss me? It can’t be because I’m a guy - Baz has brought several guys home since I moved into the apartment - so it must be something about me. He must just not want to kiss me in particular.

That thought shouldn’t make my heart sink the way that it does. I shouldn’t care. But I do.

I care what Baz thinks, and for some reason, I really want to kiss him.

But I can’t. I won’t make him do something he doesn’t want, so maybe we should just wait until they get bored and let us out.

**Baz**

I couldn’t kiss Simon. I wanted to - so badly - but this isn’t the right way.

Now, we’re sitting on the floor, leaning against the door, having given up on trying to get out of here.

We’re sitting so close together that our legs are pressed up against each other. I know I should move away, but I stay because I’m weak.

“I was supposed to be on a date,” I murmur, staring down at my lap.

“What happened?”

“You called, saying you needed help with something, so we all rushed home, but my date wasn’t interested in coming. Something about having better things to do.”

In truth, I didn’t care whether he came with me or not. I was half-convinced that Simon was imagining the noise - and I was right; there was nothing out there when we got there - but I would have rather come home and found nothing than stay with my date for another minute, which is probably evidence of how bad it was going.

“I’m sorry to ruin your date. Again,” Simon adds, and I realize that he’s right. This isn’t the first time I’ve left a date for him. I keep rushing home for a guy who will never feel the same way about me.

“You know, you somehow seem to be a problem for all of my dates.”

“Why? Because I’m so good looking?”

I know he’s teasing, but my cheeks still turn pink.

“Shut up. No. They seem threatened by you, or you scare them away. I don’t know.”

The truth is, some of them have noticed that I pay more attention to Simon than I do to them, and it has become a serious problem.

I need to find a way to get over Simon so that I can find a way to be happy with someone who actually wants me.

Maybe I should move out. I can’t ask him to do it; that would be mean. So, I have to be the one to leave.

“Maybe none of them are good enough for you,” he’s saying now. “You’re a great guy, and anyone who can’t see that is stupid.”

_If only you weren’t straight_, I think. _Then maybe there would be a chance for us._

“ Thank you. That is really nice of you to say.”

I drop my hand down from where it was running through my hair, and it accidentally lands on his leg, so I turn it into an awkward pat before letting it rest there as our eyes meet.

Everything is quiet for a minute. I don’t even hear anything from the other side of the door. Maybe I should just kiss Simon. It doesn’t have to mean anything, and then we could get out of here.

I can do that. I can kiss him and move on.

I’m just about to lean forward when someone knocks loudly on the door.

“Simon? Are you alright?”

Simon groans quietly, and I look at him, a little confused. “It’s Agatha.”

“Your girlfriend.” It’s not a question, but I’m surprised that he doesn’t seem happy to hear here.

“Yeah, I texted her and told her that I was locked in a room and couldn’t come meet her. I didn’t expect her to show up here.”

“Maybe she’ll let us out,” I say hopefully, ignoring the pang of disappointment in my chest as I stand up again.

“I’m fine,” Simon calls through the door. “I’m sorry that I bailed on you.”

“What are you doing in there?”

I turn away from Simon as he explains to her what’s going on. I can’t believe that I was actually about to kiss him.

**Simon**

Baz and I listen as Dev and Niall attempt to explain this inane game that we were playing to Agatha, and I’m horrified when they all start shouting “kiss” again, Agatha joining in.

“Let’s just do this,” I say, tired of this and just wanting to get out of this room that seems to be getting smaller, the air slowly being sucked out of it. “Just kiss me.”

“No. I’m not going to kiss you.”

“Kiss me!”

“Simon, stop!”

We’re yelling now, which is ridiculous. Why won’t he just do this? Doesn’t he want to get out of here?

“Baz, just kiss me already!”

“No, not like this!”

We both freeze, and I slowly take in what Baz just said.

“What does that mean?” I ask, my tone softening.

“I—. No. I didn’t mean anything by that. I just—. I meant—. I just want out of this room.”

Our so-called friends are still shouting for us to kiss, and Baz looks like he is about to panic as he looks around the room.

“Hey, wait. What are you doing?” I ask when he moves to the window and starts to climb out of it.

“I’m going to climb to another window and climb back into our apartment.”

“What? Are you crazy? You’ll fall.”

“I have to get out of here.”

I freeze, surprised. Baz would rather risk his death than kiss me.

I shouldn’t care that he’s rejecting me so hard, but it hurts more than I’ll ever admit to anyone.

Baz doesn’t seem to plan on stopping, and there is nothing that I can do. I just hope that he doesn’t get hurt.

***

Dev and Niall are sitting at our dining room table, talking to Baz seriously about what he just did, apparently thinking that he actually meant to hurt himself out there. I want to talk to him, ask him if kissing me would really be so bad, but Agatha is here, saying something to me.

“Your roommate’s a little insane,” she says, laughing and sounding a little drunk as I support her with an arm around her waist. Dev and Niall must have given her something to drink when she got here. “He was actually going to jump just so he wouldn’t have to kiss you.”

“Hmm,” I hum distractedly, unable to tear my eyes away from Baz. I know Baz wouldn’t have jumped - he was just trying to find a way inside - but I can’t stop thinking about what Baz said before he climbed out the window.

“Want to go to bed?” Agatha asks.

“Sure,” I say distractedly.

Baz’s eyes lift to meet mine, and neither of us break eye-contact as I let Agatha pull me towards my room.

I feel both relieved and guilty when Agatha falls asleep almost as soon as her head hits the pillow.

I know I won’t be able to sleep, and I don’t want her to realize that something’s wrong.

I can’t stop thinking about Baz and how close we came to kissing tonight. My heart is still racing in a not wholly unpleasant way as I think about it, how close our lips were when he took that picture.

I’m not sure how long I lie there before I hear a noise at the door. It’s the same noise that I heard earlier. It sounded like someone was trying to get into our apartment, and I wasn’t sure what I should do, which is why I even called Baz tonight.

Maybe that was a mistake if it led to all of this.

I slowly slide out of bed so as not to disturb Agatha and head out to the hall to investigate.

Baz is peeking out of his room, and I wonder if he couldn’t sleep either.

“That’s the noise I heard when I called you,” I tell him, not meeting his eyes.

We move towards the door together, and when Baz looks through the peephole, he shakes his head.

“There’s nothing out there.” 

I frown and open the door, sure that I heard something, and there’s a giant dog standing out there. It begins to bark at us, and a woman who must be their owner comes running down the hall to get him, apologizing to us and explaining that he gets out a lot.

Baz and I assure her that it’s fine, leaving out the part about how I thought he was someone trying to break into our apartment, and then we silently walk back to our rooms, laughing a little about the whole situation.

We stop and face each other as we stand between our rooms, and our laughs die out as our eyes meet. My stomach flutters again, and I know that I should return to my room.

“Good night, Baz,” I say quietly, turning away from him.

I’ve barely taken a step when Baz grabs my arm and spins me back around to face him.

Before I manage to question him, he’s kissing me and pulling me close to him.

I don’t even hesitate before returning the kiss, and I think I understand what this feeling I’ve had all night is.

I should be pushing him away because there is no reason for us to be kissing now, but I find that I don’t want to, and wrapping my arms around his neck, I continue to kiss him, matching his fervor.

The kiss is intensely passionate, more passionate than anything I’ve shared with Agatha, or anyone else for that matter. 

After a while, we pull away to catch our breaths, breathing heavily, before our lips meet again, but it’s different this time. The kissing slows into something so soft and so sweet, and it’s still nothing like the way it felt with Agatha.

And maybe now I know why. I never liked her the way that I thought I did. I didn’t know that it was supposed to feel like this, and I realize that I’ve never felt this way about her.

Baz and I pull away again, and this elation at having kissed Baz almost wins out over the feeling of guilt.

“I meant something like that,” Baz says softly as our eyes meet once more, and then he turns away and returns to his room, slamming the door behind him, and I am left staring after him, stunned and feeling confused about how I feel but also like things are finally clear now.

I return to my bed where Agatha is, but I still can’t sleep.

I kissed Baz.

Baz kissed me.

I want to kiss him again. But I’m dating Agatha.

I can’t stay with her, not now that I know that I’m not in love with her like I thought I was. It wouldn’t be fair to her, and I have to tell her the truth, which is what I do pretty much as soon as she wakes up.

She’s trying to kiss me and is saying sweet things, and I only start to feel guiltier.

“I have to tell you something,” I say, gently pushing her off of me and sitting up.

“What is it?

She sits up, too, looking worried, and I swallow the nerves bubbling up inside of me and force myself to tell her the truth.

“Baz kissed me.”

The look of worry turns into one of confusion as she raises her eyebrows at me.

“I thought he climbed out the window so he wouldn’t have to.”

“Right. Yeah, he did, but last night, we met in the hallway, and he kissed me. A-and I kissed him back.”

“You what?”

“I’m sorry. It didn’t mean anything,” I say, but the lie tastes bitter in my mouth, and I’m pretty sure that Agatha can see right through it.

It wasn’t supposed to mean anything, but it did.

“Do you honestly believe that?” She asks, and surprisingly, she doesn’t sound too angry.

“What?”

“If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that it didn’t mean anything to you, then maybe I can find a way to forgive you. But Simon, I think it did.”

I lift my eyes to her, realizing that I’ve been staring down at my hands for most of this, but I can’t do it. I can’t say that because I know it isn’t true.

“Fine. I didn’t mean for it to - I didn’t even mean to kiss him - but I don’t know. There’s just something about him..” I drift off, unable to put into words exactly why I feel so drawn to Baz.

“And me?”

“I’m sorry.” I don’t know what else to say to her.

“I know you are, but you need to be honest with yourself now. You don’t feel the same way about me that you do about him.”

“I thought I did.”

“I know. I did too, but maybe we weren’t meant to be. And that’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure that I don’t want to be with someone who is obviously in love with someone else.”

“L-love? No, I’m not in love.” I shake my head, but I don’t know whether it’s true or not. All I know is that I like Baz. I really like him.

“Simon.”

“I’m not in love with Baz,” I repeat.

“Just take some time to think about it.” She stands up, still fully dressed in what she was wearing last night, and she gives me a sad, sweet smile. “You and I can still be friends. We were always better like that.”

I want to apologize again, but I know there’s no point in it, so I just nod instead.

“Okay.”

“Bye, Simon.”

“Bye, Aggie.”

After she’s gone, I lie in bed for another hour before I decide that I need to just face Baz and get this over with.

Fortunately, I run into Baz in the hall again, right where we were last night. When we kissed.

“Baz,” I breathe softly.

He starts to turn away, looking like he wants to be anywhere but here, but I reach out to grab his arm and stop him.

“We need to talk,” I tell him.

“Look, I’m sorry that I kissed you. Just go back to your girlfriend.”

“We broke up.”

Baz stops fighting me at that. “What?” He asks, sounding genuinely surprised. “Why? When?”

“This morning. I told her that we kissed.”

“I didn’t mean to wreck your relationship,” he says, still frowning.

I shake my head. “You didn’t. It wouldn’t have worked out between us anyway.”

“Why not?”

“I have feelings for someone else.”

“Oh,” Baz says, and he visibly deflates before pulling himself together. “Well, I hope they feel the same way.”

“I hope they do, too,” I say, a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth as I pull him closer.

I reach up to pull his face down to mine so that I can kiss him lightly before pulling away again.

“Simon?” He whispers.

“Yeah?”

“They feel the same way.”

I laugh lightly before kissing him again, letting the hand on his arm slide down until we’re holding hands. Maybe calling him wasn’t a mistake.

This feels right. This is what every other kiss I’ve ever had was missing. I didn’t know it before, but it was this. This feeling of wanting to hold on and never let go.


End file.
